Let People In

And Upcoming Workshops!

It has been a hard, hard month.

Norovirus swept through our home, knocking all five of us onto our knees and in front of the toilet. My grandmother passed away, my husband’s chronic back issues that he has managed to keep at bay came roaring back with a vengeance and I navigated through several conflicts that both drained and sprouted thorns of rage.

Out in public, I could no longer slap on my usual “I’m fine! How’s it going with you?” face. Even me, the person who has taken pride in, spent most of her adult years curating a certain image of herself, no longer had the energy or desire to keep it up.

My immigrant parents call it the “shit-face,” when my face is scrunched up and clearly annoyed. I moved through the days with a big shit-face.

In the past, I’d usually keep my dirty laundry hidden, no where around for others to see. I’d keep it between me and God, later, my husband, and eventually my friends after I put myself back together and could share the polished version of the pain in retrospect: “Yeah, so that’s what happened. And here’s what I learned and see, it’s all better. Ta-da!”

This time, or rather, this new season I’m entering into, feels different, like it’s imperative, a growing edge for me to push against this impulse and let people in, let them surround me in prayer and support, when I’m messy and shit-faced. I preach about the power of community but I’m afraid to lean on it.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve worked very hard to maintain a certain image: put-together, secure, high-achieving. I’m changing now. With the onset of middle age, I’m wanting to be so much more real, letting my cracks show. This is how we grow, ironically, by becoming less and less perfect rather than more and more.

I called my dad and shared the situation while crying. I called my best friend in Colorado and wept on the phone. I left a shaky, tearful voice note for my bestie colleague. I showed them all the cracks, I let people in, I asked for help. I rarely do this.

Let’s get a show of hands to see if you can relate. Do you identify with the attributes I mentioned above? Do you work hard to maintain a put-together image? When you’re going through challenges, do you roll up your sleeves and try to take care of everything by yourself because you’re afraid of coming off as needy, or burdening others by asking them for help, or risking shattering a certain facade?

Weeks in, a lot of these issues still aren’t resolved. That’s okay. Life is messy, that’s okay. The tears are still flowing, the heart is still aching, the questions are unanswered. Let people in, show them your cracks. Risk perfection for love. And if you don’t receive it, don’t let it confirm the old narrative of, “See, that’s why I need to deal with this by myself.”

Because every now and then, someone will meet you there and not turn away. They will see you and the very place you were most afraid to be seen, making the risk of authenticity menial compared to the love received.

I’m grateful for other small sparkles of grace during this time—manna in the wilderness, springs in the desert. Raising three kids and working full-time produces a bone deep weariness so utterly depressing but it forces me to practice stillness.

My baby (now officially considered a toddler, I think?) loves the playground. Not the exciting stuff like the slide or the bridge. No, she likes scooping up the wood chips and placing them in my hand. She likes climbing up three steps over a period of ten minutes. This boredom propels me to grab my phone and scroll but I resist. I stay, I watch, I breathe, I pray. Insights flow through me, like the revelations I described in my New York Times essay.

Oh, and the other sparkle. I found my passage. I found my passage! Yes, my heart’s Bible passage. I’ve heard about this from others, their passage. And while I like so many passages in the Bible (Psalm 1, Psalm 23, Psalm 91, John 15, Mark 1, etc.), this one feels different.

I came across it while studying the lectionary passages for a certain Sunday and the word “portion” jumped out at me. I played a lot with the word “portion” in Chapter Two of my book—portion meaning, our “lots” in life, “lot” being the other word I explored. Why does one person receive one kind of lot in life, while another seems to be given what we perceive as a far more abundant one? That kind of thing.

I’m in the process of memorizing it.

Psalm 16

Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”

As for the holy ones in the land, they are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.

Those who choose another god multiply their sorrows;

their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names upon my lips.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; I have a goodly heritage.

I bless the LORD, who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.

I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices; my body also rests secure.

For you do not give me up to Sheol or let your faithful one see the Pit.

You show me the path of life. In your presence there is fullness of joy;

in your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Now, let me show it to you again and point out the words and sentences that really get to me—not necessarily because I always feel this way, but because I often don’t, and I receive them as a message from above.

Psalm 16

Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”

As for the holy ones in the land, they are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.

Those who choose another god multiply their sorrows;

their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names upon my lips.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. (Sometimes we get to choose what goes into our life lots but a lot of times, we don’t. Regardless, I trust God knows the desires of my heart and supports me. My dreams, my vision.)

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; I have a goodly heritage. (Ah, how beautiful! The lines of my lot have fallen in pleasant places! Yes, let me remember this when I’m angry at my spouse! When I hate the way I look. My spiritual heritage—this is becoming something I’m so incredibly grateful for—the heritage of faith that my church and my parents passed onto me).

I bless the LORD, who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. (So many nights, I go to bed with questions and lift them up to God. And this sentence articulates what I feel so often, that God hears me and guides me. And I’m learning to trust my heart. Wasn’t so good at it during my younger years but I’m getting better!)

I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices; my body also rests secure. (This sentence makes me breath deeper).

For you do not give me up to Sheol or let your faithful one see the Pit.

You show me the path of life.

In your presence there is fullness of joy;

in your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

(Joy, pleasure—who said that being a person of faith is stiff and severe? Joy! PLEASURE. Yes.)

1. Next Live Workshop on Thursday, May 28th at 11 a.m. (Pacific Time) on Zoom

In the midst of the messiness of life, I’m delighted to share in these sessions with this Cozy Monastery Community. They lift me up so much. I had a blast at our previous workshop, “How to Talk to Kids About Religion If You’re Not Religious.” If you missed it, all paid subscribers get access to the recording afterwards.

Our next workshop is next Thursday, May 28th at 11 a.m. (Pacific Time). I will be joined by my dear friend Bennett Rea for a conversation on a question so many of us are trying to figure out:

What does it look like to stay connected and loving when we see the world so differently?

For many of us, these aren’t abstract political opinions. These are deeply personal convictions about immigration, sexuality, money, religion, family expectations, and the life paths we choose — especially when those paths are different from what the people closest to us imagined for us.

And because these issues live so close to the heart, even a simple conversation can suddenly become tearful, tense, and wounding. Some of us can barely go on Facebook anymore without feeling triggered — or without our own convictions triggering someone else.

At the same time, research continues to show that close relationships are one of the greatest sources of happiness and meaning in our lives. And yet, relational strain — especially with family, close friends, and relatives — can also be one of our greatest sources of stress.

So how do we stay rooted in our values without cutting ourselves off from the people we still love?

That’s what Bennett and I will be exploring together.

I invited Bennett because he works in the political world in a way that creatively brings people together across party lines (I’ll share more below). But even more than that, I’ve always been struck by his tenderness. He holds strong social commitments and values, and yet he has a gift for maintaining loving, meaningful relationships with friends and family members who see the world very differently from him.

It’s a gift I want to tap into and would love to share with the rest of you.

Because the truth is, even when we feel repulsed by someone’s viewpoint, we may still deeply crave a good relationship with them. If that sentence resonates with you, this workshop is for you.

This live workshop is for paid members of Cozy Monastery. You’ll have a chance to listen to our stories, ask questions, and workshop your own real-life situations with us to create what I know will be a rich, honest, and deeply needed conversation. And if you can’t make it live, you’ll receive the recording right after so you can watch it at your own convenience.

Okay, so more about Bennett.

Bennett is the host and creator of Cookin’ with Congress, the viral social media series with over 750,000 followers and 300 million views (Instagram, TikTok, YouTube), where he recreates unhinged recipes from politicians, eats like presidents, and connects with everyday people through the insanity of American food.

Bennett has a degree in politics and worked in food and beverage for six years, teaching hundreds of in-person cocktail classes and building craft cocktail menus before creating Cookin’ with Congress. The series has been featured on NPR, CBS Sunday Morning, NBC, Eater, The Los Angeles Times, and more, blending history, comedy, cooking, education, joyous disgust, and a true love for everyday folks while roasting — sometimes literally — the foods of powerful politicians.

Bennett has partnered with Ken Burns, PBS, The Theodore Roosevelt Presidential Library, California Grown, and other educational organizations. His writing has been featured in Food & Wine, Business Insider, Atlas Obscura, and Cracked, and he trained in improv at UCB Los Angeles and iO West.

When Bennett was six years old, he wanted to be president of the United States and a chef at the same time. This is close enough.

Bennett grew up in a multi-political household, navigating extreme differences in political and religious ideology and belief within his family. Throughout time, and to this day, he maintains a close, loving relationship despite those differences. He takes that ethos into existing and new relationships, especially on his show, where he builds bridges and connects to shared humanity through food, even when the food choices are....questionable.

2. Summer Dreaming Session on Thursday, June 11 at 11 a.m. (Pacific Time) on Zoom

Ahhhh!!! Can you believe that the Summer Solstice is less than one month away? As is our practice here at Cozy Monastery, we’ll gather together for a live one-hour workshop to welcome the season with intention. Together, we’ll name the unique gifts of summer and explore how to draw on those gifts to bring our dreams and visions for the season into reality.

Summer can pass so quickly. We can slip into it on autopilot and suddenly peopel are talking about Pumpkin Spiced Lattes. But when we pause to name what we long for, what we want to savor, and what we hope to create, we become much more likely to actually live it.

Join us as we begin the summer not by default, but with clarity, desire, and intention. This workshop is also just for the paid subscribers of Cozy Monastery and a recording will be sent out directly following the workshop if you’re not able to make it live so you can work through the content at your convenience.

If you’re nervous about joining, Cozy Monastery member and writer Caroline Cala Donofrio just wrote a hilarious piece about wrestling with that very question—and ultimately deciding it was worth the risk.

So consider this your loving nudge: step outside your comfort zone! Do it for your soul.